A contemplation and a realization

I was running this morning this song came on and got me thinking about me as a person and my weightloss journey.....the song was I wanna know what love is by wynonna,and as the lyrics were playing i started thinking that while i was fat i was so mad at the world like it was the worlds fault that i was overweight......I never wanted to go anywhere cause no clothes fit I lived in sweat pants and pj pants,and when we did go somewhere i felt like people were looking at me and talking about me.....well to a point I guess thinking to themselves or someone else saying wow look at her she needs to do something about her weight she looks terrible.

I was in such a shell and had a wall up,and so mean to people cause I was afraid of getting hurt,and it turns out I was hurting myself w/ food and not letting anyone get close to me.I guess when i look in the mirror I don't see a different person,cause I look at my arms and think all I am doing and they aren't toning up,and my apron is still there,but I am gonna keep going......as more of the song kept playing it had me thinking more that all that I am doing w/ food and working out it's not about like it was before i gotta do all this to get this weight off and in the back of my mind thinking well if I lose this weight I can eat junk again....it's more about now that this is my life it's no longer a diet it's my lifestyle......and how I am gonna live from now on,when I don't w/o there's alittle guilt but I know I need a days rest so I can be better for the rest of the weeks w/o's.

I have noticed that with the weight loss my self esteem has improved,I don't think that everyone's out to get me lol like I thought before,and I wanna go out and do things,but now I have no clothes really to wear,w/ more weight to lose I don't wanna waste money on clothes that in a few weeks or months I won't be able to wear,so I don't wanna throw that monet away......so I bought cheap tank tops at walmart that stretch so i can get a long time out of them,and it was raining last weekend and cold TOM and I went to the cemetary and it was to cold to wear ttops go figure so i had to wear a sweatshirt heheheheh,so I am glad w/ this weightloss I am in large tops some are mediums pants are larges in w/o clothes and plain shorts but jeans are iffy .

Well thats enough babbling for tonight once I start talking I can't stop.....I have turned into a blabbermouth I love to talk just can't shut up lol lol lol....but anyway I am gonna go cause the LAKERS are getting ready to come on and if we win we go to the finals,if not then there will be a game 7 in LA and we would definately need that one to go to the finals so wish us luck everyone

much love all,jenn