An Open Heart

A few posts ago I told you all that when i was ready I would open up about certain things that have been holding me back,and those 2 things are having an eating disorder and sexual abuse/trauma as a child.

As I was on the treadmill this afternoon one of my fav songs came on and i realized it describes where i am right now in my life and all the things that have happened in my life that made me who i am today.
It really came to light when tom got sick and my weight creeped up really fast and I realized that something had to be done, I needed to know why I was doing this to my body and I needed help do deal with all the emotional things with tom..so after many many sessions the root behind it all was the sexual abuse and trauma as a child.
I was stuffing myself with food looking for comfort in anything that I was doing,happy things,sad things anything that delt with emotion,and the stuff with tom was the breaking point in my mind and body.
I wont go into all of the story but the basic was I didn't have that mind body connection,and I was always in a fight or flight mentality,so basically this song is me saying my heart is finally free,Ive been stuck in a cage..I'm letting the fat and memories go even though they will always be apart of me,they have made me who I am today.

My weight has kept me in a cage holding me back from so much in life and I finally feel like I'm getting to be the person Ive always wished and wanted to be.

I debated putting this out there but then I thought there might be someone else in the same place and they might not have anyone to turn to so if this helps just one person then it was well worth it.

As I always say I'm a work in progress,thank you to the TONE IT UP COMMUNITY you girls help me so much on a daily basis.
So I will put the song here enjoy xoxo

                  
I will lay down next to you stay in bed
All afternoon we were
Birds of a feather we were always
Together And I never will forget
All the little things you said
And that beautiful summer you used to call me your love bird
But the time went on, the wind has blown, and I have grown
And I've started a feeling
That my wings have been broken

And I can't believe
That I would ever want to be set free
But I just can't stay

So your lovebird's flyin' away
Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cause my hearts been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I'll miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
I want the world at my feet
Even if it's bittersweet
Wanna stand on my own and
Put my heart in my own hands
Cause I begun to see that you and me are different breeds
So I gotta be leaving
Gotta get back to breathing

And I can't believe
That I would ever want to be set free
But I just can't stay

So your lovebird's flyin' away
Your lovebird's flyin' away
Cause my hearts been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I'll miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

And you'll always be
A part of me
You made me who I am
But I gotta say
I'm not afraid to test my wing span
Cause they say if you love something
Let it go let it go let it go
Open up the gate cause your lovebird's flying away...
Your lovebird's flying away
Cause my hearts been stuck in a cage
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy
And I'll miss you everyday
But there's nothing left to say
Gotta sing my song, so pretty
Dum, dum, diddy

A PLEA FOR MY HUSBAND

Hey all i wanted to take a quick moment of your time to ask you to read my husbands story.. as many of you know he needs a heart transplant and i have created a page for everyone to go to read his story and donate whatever you can afford,i appreciate it from the bottom of my heart and tom appreciates it from the bottom of his lvad... thanks for all that you can do we greatly appreciate it xoxo

http://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/w452/lvad2heart#

please feel free to share this link on your social media sites the more we get it out there the better.


thanks so much Jennifer & Tom

My new addictions

Hey all it's been awhile since i have blogged,but a few things are new recently i have bought a vitamix and a juicer..well i don't even know where to start with that,so i will start from the beginning and as most of you know i have a bad habit of going off topic lol.
So years i debated on getting a vitamix forever and didn't cause they are so expensive and that was an expense i couldn't afford so i went round and round and through vitamix they have a pmt plan but they wanted to much down and charged a fee to do the pmt plan so i said no thanks,then one day i was channel surfing and seen on qvc they were doing a segment on vitamix with a 5 pmt plan so waited and debated then after christmas i decided to go for it and juggled things around so i could make it happen.
All i can say it has been the best decision i literally use it several times a day,if you have a chance to get one i totally recommend you get it if you can you won't regret it.
Now for the 2nd part of my addiction is my juicer,let me start by saying cause i know most are thinking if you have a blender why a juicer too? Well they do completely different things i have tried before to juice in a blender and it makes a smoothie cause it leaves all the fiber in etc and it felt like i had to chew a smoothie cause it was so thick from all the pulp and fiber and for a green drink i dont like it but that my opinion,ok back on point lol this juicer is awesome i was making juice several times a day and it was getting a bit much but i have read its best fresh but it can be in air tight jar for a couple days so today i made enough for today and tomorrow to save up some time.
It really is so good and different when you make your own juice,so much more flavor.
As i opened the box there was an advertisement for a documentary for FAT SICK AND NEARLY DEAD so i decided to check it out and i was amazed i watched it twice and my juicer was the one used in the show and i was excited about that lol .
So i wanna tell you how i got the juicer cause with the pmts on vitamix i couldnt afford another payment so i am a member of bestbuy reward zone program and i checked on their site to see if they had juicers they did and i seen a Cuisinart but couldnt find any reviews then i remembered my TONE IT UP GIRLS K&K said breville was a good brand so i looked at bestbuy online and they had them actually 2 kinds not knowing which one so i put a note out to my tiu girls for their advice,or if they had one and which one they had.
After that i went ahead and got it,ok back on point lol with that program you get points on all your purchases etc so i had certificates and giftcards that totaled up that i could get the juicer with no out of pocket expenses lol i was thrilled,so finally i have both devices and i am so in love with them i honestly don't know how i got along this time without them.
They really are so filling and i find myself eating less,im not doing the juice reboot for now im just adding more veggy and fruits to my diet and food in its natural state and i feel alot better.
My new years resolution want the traditional to lose weight etc, but to be the best me i can be and to finally finish what i started,and alot of it is mentally and im working on that too..when they say mental is half the battle they really truly are so right,you can't do one without the other.
They also say that what you put in your mouth is 80% and cardio is only 20% and now i realize that.
Before i wondered why i wasn't losing, i was working out like a feen and not seeing results and thats cause i was not giving my body the right foods to go with the cardio.
So now i have all the right components in place and i am running with it,so if you take anything from this post and arent seeing the results you want or like take a hard look at what you are putting in your mouth,and give juicing a try even if its only a few a day like me then gradually add more,you know there are certain veggys i dont like but i found if you juice them with other vegies and fruit you cant tell they are in there and for all the nutrients we need it would take us forever to eat all the veggies we juice with lol so juicing just makes it alot easier in my opinion...
I know it can be expensive the healthy stuff always is i have just been buying as i go cause of sales etc and if you eat less junk thats extra money you have on fruit and veggies,but you have to do whats good for you.I know some say or think you arent getting protein etc and you're starving yourself im not just cause im eating less food doent mean that im getting food through the natural things from the fruit and veggies there are calories in the juices even carbs etc,just do some research and see f it's something you can benefit from or are interested in,i think you will be shocked and amazed.

Well i think that is all i need to blab about lol i feel like im forgetting something but if i remember ill make another post.. i wanted to add pics of my juices etc but they are on my phone not computer so head over to my instagram jenn_toland if you would love to see my creations lol 
Thank you so much @vitamix and @brevilleusa for the best machines i am such a believer and a lover of your products

thanks so much for reading my blog
xoxo jenn  

Whole doesn't mean whole

Hey all wanted to do this blog after something that happened to me tonight,as most know we were coming to cleveland clinic for toms appt and we usually go to whole foods cause its healthy (or so i thought) to get some things that i cant get at home like kombucha.
I get my items then we make it to the salad and food bar got my salad,balsamic brussel sprouts,and some pesto pasta. We come back to hotel room have dinner then shortly after my inner thighs by my knees started itching really bad then i looked and it was raised like a rash so not sure if it was hives or what cause i never had them before.

So my reason for this blog is apparently just because the name says whole doesnt mean its whole,we really need to pay attention to what we eat I now know they can and will put anything in our food and we know nothing about it!!!!!! So i will just go there to get my kombucha and other necessities and stay away from their prepared foods and just get salad bar only.

I had a long talk with tom about this too cause he does like to eat out he likes to treat himself too but i stressed if he wants to do that then ill get it for him but i dont want to,i need to take control and get this crap out of my system,and that i need him to support me like i support him,with me having food issues which i will explain to you all at a later time when im ready and the time is right...
So we normally bring our food and have to eat it cold cause there is no way to heat it up and somethings just arent good cold hahah so i figured cause it was whole foods they couldnt sell anything that wasent good for you,and that brings me to something i read from jada who has metabolic effect and he said he'd rather people eat mcdonalds than the crap they sell at whole foods and i thought that was the strangest thing but now i know what he was meaning so i will have to thank him on twitter.

So thats all for now peeps i just wanted to get this out before it slipped my mind,just be aware of what you are putting in your body cause it does make a difference,IF IT COMES FROM THE GROUND,IF IT HAS A MOTHER THAN YOU CAN EAT IT.
Tonight was my wake up call.

thanks so much xoxox
jenn

Back from Cleveland Clinic

Well back from the clinic for toms heart appt and they decided to leave the lvad in for at least a year to let him heal completely on the inside so that will be up may 2013.They said they will re present him infront of the transplant board again next tuesday cause when you have a surgery like he had done they have to freeze his time or take him off cause unless it was dire emergency they wouldnt cut him open before 6 mos,so they said after they present him on tuesday then add him as a 1b let him accrue time then when it gets closer to the 1 yr date they will add him to 1a emergency status which means they will start looking for a heart,they say the longer you have your own heart the better cause the like span for a heart transplant is 10 yrs could be more or less but they say 10.
So after they explained the risks again we wish they could do it tomorrow but for safety reasons and whats better medically for him we have to wait,but time will fly it has already these 5 mos flew by literally,and they said since hes doing great with the implant they dont wanna rush things they just watch for signs of bleeding etc that can come with the placement of the lvad which is why we have to go to cleveland every 2-4 weeks plus they need to see how the driveline and all looks so i think i summed it all up if i remember anymore i will add it they said so much i was like a sponge trying to soak it all in thank you all for the love and support i really appreciate it

xoxoxo jenn 

Time to wake up

Well here we are again another sad post unfortunately maybe one day soon it will be a happy post,but I wanted to write this blog because people think i am being hard on myself and or being to negative because I made a comment on my friends toneitup pic of her sweatshirts and said i would love one but they are to small,the highest is a large.
I know what size i am and what things will not fit so no way am i being negative just facing the truth and not ling to myself about what size i am,like how people lie on dl about their weight what they want it to be,i want to be alot smaller than what i am and im working on it,but the reality is the jeans i used to wear last year no longer fit and i am back to wearing my pjs everywhere i go,cause nothing in my closet fits and i refuse to go buy clothes cause i dont wanna be here any longer than i have to...Im trying things through trial and error and hopefully next week we will have a solution.

Believe me Im the one looking in the mirror everyday and seeing the spare tire that goes all the way around me to give me a tabletop booty and a stomach apron, so im not negative im just being honest with how i look cause theres no point in fooling everyone else and myself of someone that I am not ..
So thats all for now just wanted you guys to know where Im coming from and this gives you all an insite on my feelings towards all that.I could go on and on but i wont so i hope you all understand,and hope everyone is getting their workouts it xoxoxo

jenn

One day

Hey guys i was on a bike ride this morning and it hit me as i passed these 2 girls they were fit and thin wearing cute outfits,I just want to know what it feels like to be fit and thin,I wanna wear cute outfits where while im walking or running the shorts dont ride up my legs and hip part dont ride up to my waist cause my fat forces those things to happen, one day i will wear a sports bra and cute shorts but
I guess one I have to be comfortable in my own skin and dont look hidious in the clothes but IT MIGHT NOT BE TODAY,TOMORROW,OR NEXT WEEK (but hopefully by the time im 40 and thats only 2 yrs away)BUT I WILL GET THERE.
I want to be one of those fit girls who can buy cute things and look good in them,
I just want to know what it feels like to be thin and fit,but as i was doing tummy tucks not surgery lol moves for the abs hehe and when my fat was moving it was actually hurting and when that reality happens it hits me will i ever get there?   ONE DAY

p.s. this blog is not meant to upset any girls who work hard for their bodies and experience those kinds of things im just posting my thoughts of what im feeling right now.

Thanks guys for all your support xoxox
Jenn